I had a dream…

When I was almost 10 years old, my best friend died from Leukemia.

My memories of her are hazy, as it happened 30 years ago, but I remember spending Saturday afternoons at the back of our local football club, drinking Coca-Cola from real glass bottles, trying to make our armpits “fart” with our hands and dancing on the stairs, pretending we were Legs & Co from Top of the Pops.

Legs & Co!

To be honest, I haven’t thought about her much over the years. I was young when she died. I remember the shock when Mum told me and feeling lonely on Saturday afternoons as I sat drinking Coca-Cola alone, but life carried on and the memories faded with time.

Then last night, I had a dream about her.

I was sat in a huge white and grey auditorium. A beautiful woman with short dark hair, walked up the stairs and sat down beside me. “Hi”, she said and I knew it was her. “Look behind you”. Behind me were rows and rows of bright, white lights.

They were mesmerising.

I just sat and stared for ages and then I told her “I don’t understand”. “This is what I do”, she said, “I show the little ones where to go” and as I stared at the beautiful lights, she said,

“I knew he was yours the moment I met him”.

You’re probably thinking “come off it Nicky, do you really think your old dead friend has found Elijah?”. I don’t know. Maybe. I don’t have the answers. My husband thinks it’s all “bollocks”. When I told him we were destined to be together because our palm lines cross at exactly the same places on our hands, he says “babe, it’s bollocks”. When I tell him a Tarot card reader once told me our first child would be a boy and be a musical genius, he says, “babe, listen to me, it’s bollocks”.

Maybe he is right and it is all bollocks. You will have to make your own minds up about that.

I do know that I rarely remember my dreams but this one has stuck with me today and has given me comfort. As I danced around the kitchen with my toddler, to the theme tune from Madagascar, I thought about those mesmerising lights and imagined my old best friend and my baby boy maybe doing the same.

Dance away my darlings!

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How can you mend a broken heart?

I’ve just turned on Channel 5 and they are playing a Denzel movie called “Book of Eli”. Denzel is listening to a track by Al Green called “How can you mend a broken heart”. This particular song stops me in my tracks everytime I hear it.

Hard memories hearing that song.

A few days after Elijahs funeral, we decided it was time to pack away the nursery. It was a beautiful sunny day, Gabey was out of the house and it was just the two of us. It had to be done as I crumpled every time I caught sight of the tiny cot mattress he would never lie his beautiful little head on. I could only start healing once this very sad and very tough job was done.

We gently packed away the baby clothes, the tiny socks and the tiny mittens that I would have put on his hands to stop him scratching his face. Then we got the tools out and undid the bolts and screws to take down the beautiful baby cot. As each little piece came down, I felt a little piece of my heart break with it. Watching as my big, brave husband cried taking down the place where his boy was supposed to be spending his nights.

Its one of the saddest moments of my life.

Then once it was done, I put on the iphone and we played this song. Al Green “How can you mend a broken heart”. We held each other and we danced and we cried, as the bright sunlight streamed into the now empty room.

How do you mend a broken heart?

I can’t answer that question but Rolling Stone magazine once said that Al Green was “born to make us smile”. His song, THAT song and the dance we shared together on that day, started us on our path to healing and getting through this together.

If you are hurting, have lost someone, lonely, need healing, put this song on loud and dance and I dance with you. From me (and the Reverend Al Green) with love x