123 days

The world always stops at 4.21pm on the 19th of the month.

It did today.


I stopped and I thought about that moment, 4 months ago (123 days) that Elijah came into this world.

I really wanted to think good, positive thoughts about the birth of my boy, rather than sadness. He was alive for almost 9 months and he had a personality. He liked it when Gabey blew him a raspberry on my tummy

he liked a warm bath, he loved it when I ate chocolate. He didn’t like eggs. Above all he loved music, especially The Jungle Book.

Me and the boys would often dance around the kitchen to Disney tunes and this one was his favourite. He’d have a good squirm and give me a kick when he heard Gabey laughing to this track. So here it is for you, Elijah, in memory of the 123 days I’ve been without you and in memory of the 259 days I had you.


My Bucks Fizz Birthday

You’re probably thinking “oooh lucky girl, birthday bubbles!”

Nil points. I don’t mean the bubble variety. I actually mean the 80’s, Eurovision winning, pop group variety.

Today, I’m spending my birthday doing what Bobby G, Cheryl, Jay and Mike made famous in 1981 skirt ripping style.

I’m having a “Making Your Mind Up” birthday!

I bet you’re singing it right now 🙂

Earlier today, my husband presented me with this for my birthday,

Who knew he was good at Origami!

Three handmade boxes.

I had to open them in a particular order and the instruction was “you can open each box, but you only get to keep one”.


This was in the first box..

A great first box!

This was in the second..

Never wear? Doubtful!

and the third..

BINGO…apart from the small print

So I guess you’re thinking the choice is obvious.

Is it?

My head might be screaming this..

or this..

but my heart is screaming this..

I have until midnight to “make my mind up”.

My friend Clare is with me on the designer boots but Rekha told me she’d disown me if I didn’t go for the holiday 🙂

What would you do?

It’s definitely been an exciting and distracting gift for a birthday that I’ve been dreading. On Thursday, Tim had to stay home from work because I couldn’t stop crying. After I opened the boxes, Tim put his arms around me and said “I know I can’t give you what you really want for your birthday darling, but I can give you one of these”.

Of course it’s not good enough. I know that. Only red hair, chubby fingers and gurgling can ever be, but when I look back on this birthday, my first birthday without my baby boy, I’ll try not to think about what should have been. I’ll think about all the good things that have happened today and I’ll smile when I remember those little green boxes while I stroke my Jimmy Choo boots.

Happy Birthday?

I received a beautiful bunch of flowers from a friend today.

One of our builders said to me “you’ve got some lovely flowers. Is it your birthday?”
“Well yes” I said “but not yet. Next week”. “Happy Birthday” he said.

Happy Birthday.

Just two simple words and yet for me it’s not really going to be a “Happy Birthday” year.

To be honest, I’ve had a few weird birthdays in the past.

There was the year my hubby gave me an Action Man for my birthday because Action Man had a spy camera, which apparently is “cool”. Then there was the year he wanted to give me birthday tokens that I could redeem for sex at any time. I think one of the tokens actually said “this entitles the bearer of this token to a quickie” 🙂

I’ve had some GREAT birthdays. Like the year he took me to Paris as a surprise for my 30th.

This year? I’m not sure how to describe how I feel this year. I think it’s the year that time should forget but I never, ever can.

I had an idea of what I would be doing on my birthday this year.

If I close my eyes, I can actually see it.

Tim and Gabey come into the bedroom. They’ve made me birthday breakfast. Elijah is in a white sleepsuit and Tim is holding him in the crook of his arm. Gabey shoves a piece of toast in my face and shouts “Happy Birthday mummy” and blows me a kiss. He then tells me how he made me breakfast and a card. He says “Eli helped too Mummy”. The card is hilarious and wonderful. Its got Gabey scribble all over it and Tim has held a pencil in Elijahs hand and written “I love you Mummy. Eli xxx”. Tim smiles and says “he wrote that all by himself you know. He’s very clever for a 3 month old”.

I guess the truth is, now Elijah has gone, I never get to have the birthdays I imagined ever again. Although honestly, just between us, how many of us really do get the birthdays we want or imagine? My friend Debbs got a box full of her own computer from her hubby one year. I love you Debbs and that STILL makes me giggle. Best birthday present story EVER. I doubt anyone can beat that?

So this year, I’m going to share a birthday Bucks Fizz with a few of my dearest friends, let Rekha feed me cake & laugh when Gabey shoves birthday toast in my face. I might even buy Gabey his first ever Action Man to celebrate.

Well, he is “cool” after all.