3am

In the months since losing Elijah, finding a moment every day just for him has become very important to me. My days are always busy. Moving house, a beautiful, boisterous 3 year old and hospital appointments for this pregnancy, leave me with few moments to spare, let alone spend a moment for my lost boy.

So 3am has become “our moment”.

Every morning, I wake up and look at the time. It’s always close to 3am. I then spend some time thinking about him. I think about how different things should have been. I tell him about the crazy antics his big brother has been up to. I often tell him I’m sorry, especially when strangers ask me “so this will be your second?” and I reply “yes”. I ask myself questions…would he be crawling now? would he look like his brother?

Elijahs big brother at 8 months old

With Mothers Day in the UK approaching this weekend, I woke up at 3am today, thinking about this…

My first Mothers Day with Gabriel

I also thought about something an old friend said to me at the weekend, “I kept calling but you never picked up the phone so I just stopped trying”.

Maybe I should stop trying too? I guess my life would probably be easier. Simpler. Stop trying to keep a bit of Elijah with me. Stop trying to make sense of this new, unexpected journey. Stop trying to keep everyone happy at the same time as keeping afloat in a sea of grief. I could wake up at 3am, roll over and simply go back to sleep. I could immerse myself in my new house and my baby-to-be and try to forget my lost child and everything that happened. Just stop trying.

Albert Einstein (by all accounts a very smart man) once said “you never fail until you stop trying”.

So this coming Mothers Day, I’m going to make my 3am moment an all day moment. I’m going to spend the day with both of my boys, one in my arms and one in my mind, because for 25 hours I was a Mother of two and I’m never going to try and forget that.

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2 thoughts on “3am

  1. ❤ you'll always be a mother of two and soon a mother of three. It's hard to get a moment when you have another toddler running around and being a homemaker on top of that, I know I'm lucky to go to the bathroom by myself ( not complaining) but point the day consumes us and it's those wee hours that we can have those moments to think and cry over our sweet angels xoxoxox. For me it's either 2:30 am or 5:30 am, I know even if I wanted to I could NEVER try and forget, Chase will always be apart of me,and Elijah will always be apart of you ❤

  2. Congratulations on your rainbow pregnancy; hope you have cinbfidence in the medical team and they are seeing you regularly. I was seen and scanned fortnightly throughout and could have been seen daily without being made to feel stupid or unrealistically neurotic.
    Finding time is so tough. It was Phoebe’s 2nd birthday/anniversary on Monday but with a 3 year old and a 4 week old just out of SCBU I only managed a 5 minute trip to the cemetary in the morning and managed to light her candle and raise a glass at 11pm. Not at all how I had wanted it to be. I try to make peace with it by knowing that my son’s 4th birthday next week is also likely to be fairly low key with (horror of horrors) a shop bought cake. This is family life right now and maybe Phoebe is ‘more’ real by ftting in with this life than if the whole family stopped functioning for her anniversary. She will always be a member of our family and remembered in our hearts and conversations.
    sending love and fingers crossed for the pregnancy (am pleased you have been busy with house move and bump as had started to worry with lack of blogs) Gxx

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