Just keep climbing

Today, as I cuddled the most beautiful newborn baby girl, my friends and I chatted about Elijah and grief and what it takes to move on.

I’ve been very determined to make sure Gabriel (my 3 year old) has the best Christmas, with lots of fun and laughter.

However, I’ve been feeling low since New Years Eve, wondering if I was deluding myself by trying to face these difficult days with hope and joy.

Am I letting Elijah down?

Should I be inconsolable? Keep the curtains drawn and the mood more somber?

So we talked about that and how hard it is being hopeful after tragedy. Let me just say, it’s not the easy option. Every day I climb my own personal Everest to keep my family functioning.

I’ve been asking myself, why do I do that? The answer, I do it for Gabriel. One of my friends said “What you went through, losing your innocent baby, is the worst thing in the world that I could imagine”. Now, for me, it isn’t. All my fears now centre around Gabriel. The worst thing imaginable for me, is that he one day, perhaps when he’s in his twenties, turns round to me and says “all you did is cry Mum. It was like I wasn’t even there. I had the worst childhood”. I feel as though I’ve lost so much already and I don’t want to lose him too. Him being alive and not wanting to know me because I “checked out” is my greatest fear.

After my friends left, Gabriel came creeping up to me, with an outstretched arm and clenched fist.

“What have you got there sweetie” I asked. “Shhhhhh” he demanded “it’s sleeping”. He uncurled his hand to reveal a tiny, little piece of black fluff. “It’s a baby. I found it” he whispered. “Babies are nice mummy” and off he ran to put “baby fluff” under his pillow.

That, right there, is hope and joy and why I climb, climb, climb every single day.

10 thoughts on “Just keep climbing

  1. Bless him. I love how young children sense the right time to let a little more healing come to pass. My hope for you is that you don’t second guess yourself on this too much; what you’re doing is monumental. You’ve got such a healthy and well-rounded take on your (and his) journey that everything, even the perceived setbacks, are exactly as they should be. Love to you.

  2. Everyday for me is for my son. If it weren’t for him I would just give up but he’s so amazing, such a bundle of love, so he gets everything I have and I’m happy for that. I just hope one day I wake up and get through the day without it being such an epic battle and rollercoaster of emotions, always hidden away right below the surface, enough that I’m exhausted and no one else knows, least of all my son.

  3. What an incredible amount of strength it must take to get through each day. But it sounds like you have a special angel Gabriel to help you make it. I come across your blog from Grace – FYBF. And Grace put it so well, keep climbing, even if you have to take breaks every now and then, keep climbing. x

  4. Keep climbing….I’m right there with you Niki if it wasn’t for my seet Emily (3 years old) I would close the curtains and not wanna face the days but she has been a blessing in the worst of days and it’s ok to cry sometimes but I also know we don’t want these sad days to be there only memories…so we climb…we fight….we are NOT perfect but we have a quest to be the best mom possible and we don’t take these precious moments for granted 🙂 You are a wonderful person and mom with a heart of gold…I wished we lived closer to each other!

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