I dreamed a dream

I’ve been listening to a particular song lots today.

On this day, exactly four months ago, I was in the hospital being injected with steroids and Elijah was still alive.

I wish I could turn the clock back.

I wish I’d said “No. I’m not having steroids and I am NOT leaving this chair or this room until you admit me and take this baby out”. I wish I’d thrown a tantrum. I wish I’d shouted and screamed and cried and thrown myself on the floor and barricaded the doors to the labour ward until they did as I asked.

But I didn’t, because I’m British and I’m too polite.

I will feel regret, every single moment, of every single day, for the rest of my life.

I’m so sorry my darling Elijah that Mummy wasn’t stronger and more mean when I needed to be mean. I’ll never forgive myself but I hope somewhere, somehow you can forgive me.

Until we meet again, I sing these words every day..

And still I dream he’ll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I’m living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

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3 thoughts on “I dreamed a dream

  1. Anyone would have done the same in your position my love. You were in a vulnerable place and naturally assumed (as we all do) that they know what they’re doing and will do the best for us. You were badly let down by an incompetent and irresponsible coward. You could not have foreseen that. Lots of love xxxx

  2. feeling guilt is natural but you should not…..YOU made the BEST choices you could for you, Elijah, Tim and gabe at that precises moment in TIME, that is what you should remember.
    There is a huge the lack of empowering women to make her own descions and choices based on all information that should be educated to pregnant women, to have the birth they would like. the proceedures the medical proffesionals want to you to folllow are not always for the benifit of the women and baby but for ticking boxes, cutting their risk and to make life easier! There is so much we are not educated in whilst pregnant, about the one of the most natural events in life!!!
    oh bore off fox hehehehe but seriously …… things need to change to our midwifery/obsetrics system and view of pregnancy and birth!!!!

    for anyone wanting to know now or in relation to past or for support AIMS http://www.aims.org.uk/
    has all information and booklets on many difficult questions and on knowing your rights on birth.

  3. I remember having this very discussion with my OB when I had complete placenta previa and I was asking him to test for vasa previa. That I couldn’t imagine how I would feel if my son had it and I lost him because I didn’t push hard enough for testing. But in the end you have to trust the professionals to take proper care of you. They’re supposed to know the risks and the safest way to proceed – that’s what they’re trained to do. You don’t own that – they do.

    But I get it. Intellectually I hope you know you have no blame in this, but emotionally it’s hard to convince your heart otherwise. My OB never did the test and right until the moment they lifted my son out and I heard him cry, there was that fear that I had let him down by not, as you said, screaming and crying and showing up at the lab and not leaving until they did the test. I was lucky.

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