Sweet child of mine

Earlier today, my almost 3 year old, switched off the game he was playing on the iPad to help me load the washing machine.

I know.

I was shocked too, but he seems to be turning into the most considerate toddler I’ve ever met and I have NO idea where he gets it from.

Today, he has helped me with the washing, helped me make the beds, vacuumed the rug, cleaned a stain off the floorboards with baby wipes, helped to load the dishwasher and cleaned the coffee table. We had friends over for lunch and he picked up our rubbish and took it to the bin, without being asked!

It’s impossible to play Hungry Hippos with him. He takes balls from the winning Hippo and gives them to the other Hippos. He doesn’t like to see a Hippo go hungry.

There are never Hungry Hippos in our house

You’re probably thinking “So what Nicky? Sounds like you’ve got him well trained to me”.

Well, yes, but I worry about him.

How do I tell such a sweet little soul that his baby brother is never coming home?

We were looking at photos today. In particular, this one…

Me, Gabey & Elijah

Gabey pointed at my tummy and said “Mummys baby”, then at himself “Gabeys baby” and then “Daddys baby”. I told him he was right. Then I tried to explain to him gently that Elijah used to be in Mummys tummy, that he came out but then he died and couldn’t come home to live with us.

I’m not sure he understood.

How does a little boy understand such a thing when I don’t understand it myself. To be honest, he shouldn’t have to. He should be asking questions about Father Christmas and “when is it MY birthday mummy” not this.

Not this.

The one thing I do know, is that I don’t want this terrible, tragic event to ruin his childhood. How can it not though? This is a boy who brings Mummy tissues, when she’s sobbing her heart out, everytime a newborn baby appears on the TV. This is a boy living with a grieving Mother who finds it difficult to even breathe sometimes. This is a boy who has to spend the rest of his life without his little brother and my heart breaks for him.

He deserves so much better than that and I wish, with every breath in my body, that I could give it to him.

I’m so, so sorry my sweet, sweet child, that all of this is on your tiny, little shoulders. I read this quote today and it’s what I want you to know…

“Everyday may not be good but there’s something good in everyday and that something is you”.

Always you.

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8 thoughts on “Sweet child of mine

  1. Oh Nicky. My heart just breaks for you. It sounds as though Gabey is a wonderful lad and he owes that to you. Sadly, or mercifully, he will probably not remember much of this time of his life. You’re doing all you can. Let him take care of you if he wants to. It’s not like you don’t make it up to him a million times over.

    That picture of you with your two babies is just beautiful.

    Xx

  2. Had a thought today that grief is like a snow topped mountainside. If you have a snow cannon you can blast bits away a bit at a time. Sometimes the snow cannon works and sometimes it doesn’t and it starts to build like the layers of snow before an avalanche. Then when the avalanche comes you reach out, grab your snowboard and you try and ride the crest otherwise you will get buried. Sometimes these little people understand more that we credit them. When I lost the twins my neice (who was coming up to four at the time) when she was told that our babies had gone to live in heaven, she asked her mommy and daddy if we were sad. When they said we were she went upstairs and picked two toys and told her mom and dad to give them to us to make us feel better. Then she spent about half an hour making up a little card for us. Bless her! He knows you are sad and he just wants to help you. Big hug xx

  3. Your post brought back memories for me which I hope you may find reassuring. My mum lost my baby sister at just a few days old. I could see her distress whenever she saw a baby or someone asked how she was getting on. She cried a lot. However my sisters and I, all very young at the time, were ok. The reason being that Mum’s love for us shone through the grief and she was still wonderful, despite the huge amount of pain she was clearly in. I imagine that is how Gabey sees his mummy too – just perfect.

  4. I have struggled with these same thoughts about my two boys. My oldest is five and very aware of what has happened to his sister. My youngest boy is two and while he doesn’t fully understand, he still talks about Kyleigh and knows that he has a sister. One of my biggest fears when Kyleigh died was that my boys’ lives would be changed forever. Forget about me. I was worried for them. Our family is slowly finding ways that we can remember and honor Kyleigh. My hope is that while my boys are changed forever because their sister died, that they are changed in a positive way and that they will never, ever forget her.

  5. Just wanted to share something with you, it happened to a friend of mine. There were five kids in the families all teens. One day her 17 year old brother was knocked over by a car. And killed. My friend told me that her parents went to the hospital and saw the brother, then they had to drive home to tell the other four children.

    In the car, they talked a lot and they decided: ‘These four children have lost their brother. They are not going to lose their parents as well.’

    Your son has you and you have your son, thank god. Someone to hug. And it sounds like your grief is being expressed, and he understands. Both your lives are changed forever and there’s nothing that can be done about that. You’re changed. But still you, his mum, and he hasn’t lost you. He won’t. And you have him. xx

  6. I am sitting here in tears reading your blog. You’re right, your son should not be going through this- and neither should you. But you will always have each other and all he needs right now is to have you love him just the way you do. When he’s older, he won’t remember the tears or the pain you feel. He’ll remember the way you loved him
    xx

  7. I have a three year old daughter, also older independent children, but I worry about her too and seeing mommy sad a lot đŸ˜¦
    It’s NOT fair she was suppose to be playing with her baby brother not starring at pictures of him and wondering who he is. Kids are very smart and can sense when something is wrong even if they can’t understand completely. I’m so sorry your 3 year old and my 3 year old are without their little brothers. Always in my heart Chase….and never forgotten Chase and Eliajah xoxoxox

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