I had a dream…

When I was almost 10 years old, my best friend died from Leukemia.

My memories of her are hazy, as it happened 30 years ago, but I remember spending Saturday afternoons at the back of our local football club, drinking Coca-Cola from real glass bottles, trying to make our armpits “fart” with our hands and dancing on the stairs, pretending we were Legs & Co from Top of the Pops.

Legs & Co!

To be honest, I haven’t thought about her much over the years. I was young when she died. I remember the shock when Mum told me and feeling lonely on Saturday afternoons as I sat drinking Coca-Cola alone, but life carried on and the memories faded with time.

Then last night, I had a dream about her.

I was sat in a huge white and grey auditorium. A beautiful woman with short dark hair, walked up the stairs and sat down beside me. “Hi”, she said and I knew it was her. “Look behind you”. Behind me were rows and rows of bright, white lights.

They were mesmerising.

I just sat and stared for ages and then I told her “I don’t understand”. “This is what I do”, she said, “I show the little ones where to go” and as I stared at the beautiful lights, she said,

“I knew he was yours the moment I met him”.

You’re probably thinking “come off it Nicky, do you really think your old dead friend has found Elijah?”. I don’t know. Maybe. I don’t have the answers. My husband thinks it’s all “bollocks”. When I told him we were destined to be together because our palm lines cross at exactly the same places on our hands, he says “babe, it’s bollocks”. When I tell him a Tarot card reader once told me our first child would be a boy and be a musical genius, he says, “babe, listen to me, it’s bollocks”.

Maybe he is right and it is all bollocks. You will have to make your own minds up about that.

I do know that I rarely remember my dreams but this one has stuck with me today and has given me comfort. As I danced around the kitchen with my toddler, to the theme tune from Madagascar, I thought about those mesmerising lights and imagined my old best friend and my baby boy maybe doing the same.

Dance away my darlings!

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6 thoughts on “I had a dream…

  1. I believe too. She came back to you in a dream for a reason and wherever Elijah is dancing to Madagascar, it’s wonderful to think that he has the hand of someone else you cared about to hold on to. Much love to you Nicky xx

  2. What a lovely dream. I recently heard an interview on the radio with a famous satirical comedian. He said something that resonated with me in the wake of losing my firstborn. He was talking about the death of a dear friend, and how his intellectual mind could rationalise that his friend is dead and that he did not really believe in an afterlife etc. However, his emotional self wished (and I will use his words not mine) ‘to be deluded’. (He was making reference to Richard Dawkins “the god delusion”). And I think that this is true of me too. I try not to analyse things too much since my son was stillborn, I want to be deluded. I find great beauty and comfort in being deluded. Maybe it’s bollox, but it certainly gets me through!

  3. Mb it is bollocks, and mb it isn’t. I had a dream once involving the twins and my neice and nephew and it was gorgeous, shame I got woken up halfway through by the midwife waking me up to do my obs. Grrr. One dream I’ve had of them I remember having a conversation with them and the only thing I can remember now is Holly saying, “Silly mommy always crying”. Whether they are right or not, they help us dealt with our grief so no harm done is there? Afterall we will never know for sure until it is our own time to join our little ones.

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