In just over 5 hours it will be 3 months exactly since my baby boy passed away in my arms.
To say the last 3 months has been a rollercoaster of emotion would be the understatement of the century!
But rather than focus on sadness today, I’ve been thinking of all the friends who have helped me since that horrible day when we came home from the hospital with empty arms.
Friends like Debbs, who has sent me a text every single day since he died. Often they just say “thinking of you” or “I love you”. Sometimes she describes her day and tells me of the funny things happening in her world. Sometimes, I’m lying in bed thinking I don’t want to carry on with my life as the pain is simply too much to carry. Sometimes, I wish I’d died with him in that operating theatre.
It would be easier.
Then “PING”. It’s a Debbs text. I read it, I get out of bed, I hug my boys and I start living my day.
Friends like Helen, who built me a Jenga tower out of biscuits, just to make me smile.
Friends like my Vixy, who has opened her arms & her house to me regardless of time of day or any other plans she has.
She’ll text “what you doing Nixy?” “Bad, bad night” I reply. “Come” she says. “But its 8.30! You don’t want woe is me now” I protest. “Just come”, she says. I do. We are both in our PJs in her busy kitchen. I’m a mess. She makes me coffee while giving her beautiful kiddies breakfast. We just look at each other and I know she gets it. “I wish it could be different for you my love” she says. “Me too” I say.
Friends like my sweetheart Rekha, who has debated fate, life, what it all means with me over hot chocolate in her kitchen, way beyond bedtime, even though she has to get up early for work the next morning.
I could go on. There are many more examples but I can’t list them all. I’m so lucky, because lots of wonderful friends have gone above & beyond for me during what has been the most heartbreaking time of my life. I’ve really needed them & for the most part, they have come up trumps. Super trumps!
How do I ever thank them? I don’t know. I probably haven’t said it enough, consumed as I am by grief. So here I am, now, today, saying THANK YOU to all of you who have comforted me and supported me. I love you all and one day this will be easier and we WILL go dancing.