A long 3 months

The 3 month anniversary of Elijahs birth and death looms and I’m finding it increasingly difficult to sleep or distract myself. Hence it’s 3am on the 18th and I’m awake writing this!

I’ve been lying here berating myself. Yep, I know it’s ridiculous but I read blogs written by other mothers who have lost their precious children and they are organising marches, selling paintings, doing something! I envy that.

I need that.

I feel I should be running a marathon in his name or setting up a foundation or doing SOMETHING! Instead I’m spending my time watching endless repeats of Frasier and browsing Rightmove for houses way out of my price bracket.

Im filling my time because in fact, all I have now is time. Right now I should have a 3 month old, depriving me of sleep and filling my days with nappy changes, feeding, baby clinic visits….I should be moaning about how hard breastfeeding is and how I just need some sleep. I should be annoying everyone with endless Facebook photos of Gabey playing with his baby brother and annoying everyone with status updates of how just incredibly cute and funny they are together. He would have had a great sense of humour being a redhead. Every redhead I know is great fun to be with and I know he would have been a redhead as I kept a lock of his hair. Sometimes in the absence of being able to hold him, I hold that tiny little piece of him up to the light and imagine him gurgling at me from beneath that beautiful head of lovely red hair. So now, instead of a gurgling redhead, all I have is time. The next year that should have been filled with the hardwork and humour of having a newborn, stretches ahead of me.

What do I DO now?

I’ve reduced Gabeys hours at nursery so we’ve got more time together but he’s almost 3. He needs that time away from me plus he LOVES nursery and who can blame him when he has the young, fabulous, creative, energetic Hayley to run around with. Maybe I should sign myself up for a few sessions at Little Oaks Nursery 😉

Is it really fair for me to take him away from that place he loves, where he gets to paint with jelly and sing songs about ants, just because mummy now needs to fill her time.

A boy who needs constant entertaining!

Friends have said why don’t you go back to work. I’ve considered it. The problem is that nothing feels right now. I don’t feel right and I dont feel confident enough to convince an interviewer to give me a job above another candidate. Who on earth is going to hire a recently bereaved mother? Lets face it. Would you?
So here I am, 3 months without him and facing the very scary and very enormous task of rebuilding my shattered life and my shattered self into something useful with purpose. I keep hoping that purpose will become clear with time as surely PLEASE there has to be something else for me beyond this loneliness, loss and devastation.  In the meantime, its Frasier, Rightmove and maybe (taking a leaf out of Gabeys book) painting with jelly.

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11 thoughts on “A long 3 months

  1. What a beautiful and raw post. I honestly don’t know what to say, but didn’t just want to click away. I hope that writing will help you find your way. Have you heard of the blog ‘Sunny side up’? might be worth getting in touch as Kirrily talks about grief and loss and may be able to offer some support. Here is the link http://www.kirrilywhatman.com
    Much love , Catherine (Sam’s sister)
    PS. Painting with jelly sounds great.

    • Thankyou Catherine. This is my first ever experience of Blogging so I just hope I’m doing it right! 🙂

      I will check out that blog. Thanks for the tip.

      Lots of love x

  2. Hi there.

    I found this link on the SANDS group on facebook, i really hope you do not mind me commenting. Everything you have put is so significant for grieving and somehow coming to terms with your loss. There’s no denying this will be one of the hardest, if not the hardest and longest journeys you may ever face in life – honestly i could have written this blog myself some 5 years when i lost my baby boy. I can relate to every pain and feeling you mention as though it were yesterday.
    I know it probably doesnt seem like it now but i promise you this my love, it will get easier, and there is a light at the end of what seems to be a dark and endless tunnel. I used HATE people telling me that and i used to get so angry when people said ‘you’ll get through it” because back then i never ever thought i would be able to move, i couldn’t imagine my life without my baby, all i wanted/needed was to hold him in my arms.
    I know its the last thing you can think of but i promise you this, you will one day be able to look back and smile when you think of your angel… for now my advice would be to embrace every feeling and every thought of the here and now, do whatever it is that feels right to you as only you can pull yourself through the grief. I found it very helpful to keep a diary of how you are feeling, try to write something daily, be it an essay or simply ‘cant write today, feeling to numb’ – as the months pass and the years fade you will able to look back see how far you’ve come.
    Sorry if i rambled, your post has just taken me back so far……. please feel free to get in touch if you want someone to relate too… be it talk, to cry, to laugh or to shout……. angel mums have a unique bond that no other parent can feel just remember that we are just as special as our babies…..
    Love and hugs and buckets of strength sent you way xxxxxxxxxxx

    • Thankyou Rebecca for your comment and the love & hugs. I need all of those right now. This is certainly a journey I never expected to be taking in my life. It seems to be a very long & lonely road right now. Hearing from other mums like you, someone who knows how I’m feeling, definitely helps. Thankyou again and lots of hugs to you xxx

  3. Hi Mom, I was reading what you wrote as I lost my baby, it was five months ago and I can say that this has been a long road full of thorns and feelings and a deep loneliness, but now I feel I’m getting a bit of darkness in which I was, but I have done according to my pace and not letting anyone meddle in my pain that I go I just not letting anyone push me. I can tell you something that has helped me is the support group I attend nearly a fortnight after my Angela went, it really has been balm to my wounds and now that I’m back for a few months in my country origin, Costa Rica, I had the need to do something in my country for the mothers who had been the same as me so I got in touch with several mothers who had the same concern of mine and did a group to celebrate the commemoration of pregnancy and child loss, was wonderful, it was the first time that was done in Costa Rica and I felt really good and useful helping other people with their pain. But this never would have imagined five, or even three months ago. Just keep in mind that very little has been since your angel departed, not pressures or allow anyone else to do, follow your pace, all live grieve differently and need time to heal our wounds, I either would have imagined working or looking for work within three months of my loss, just did not have the strength or the will to face the world, but now I’m beginning to see the light. So take your time and do not despair you will gradually find your way again and a new path will be different, I’m still discovering. Take Care.

    • I’m so sorry for your loss Laura. Thankyou for the advice. Its just so strange & sad having all of this time on my hands when I expected to be looking after Elijah. I’m glad to hear that you are starting to see better days ahead. Take care of yourself and lots of hugs to you xxxx

  4. I found this on the luminous light group on facebook. I lost my daughter on March 28th, 2012. I have also started blogging on word press. I wrtie about the loss and other things. I have a 3 year old daughter who just started a full day public preschool in NJ and I felt the same way when she started. I wanted to keep her home. When we signed her up for preschool I was 8 months pregnant and was planning on being home with the new baby when she started school. That first day she got on the bus and I walked back into the house and just starting crying because I felt soooo alone.

    • I will follow your blog. Thanks for telling me about it and I’m so sorry for your loss. I totally understand how you felt when you walked back into the house after your daughter left for preschool. I took Gabey back to nursery a few days after Elijah died and I cried my eyes out as I handed him over to the girls that work at the nursery. It was awful. It has got better and I now use the time he is at nursery to write or swim…it still feels like “making do” but we just have to keep going and keep ourselves busy. Everyone tells me it WILL get easier. Big Hugs xxxx

      • We signed my youngest son up for preschool for the same reason, so that I could have time alone with our new baby. The hardest part about it is that people get all excited when they hear that both the boys are at preschool this year so I have time to myself. “I don’t want time to myself!” is what I want to scream in their face. It is getting better, but walking out of school by myself still leaves an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach.

  5. As a counselor and a bereaved parent, I know that I am not the same person I was before our daughter was born sleeping. I recall finding myself impatient with time – too much time, time passing ever so slowly – and never seeming to be running at the same speed as the rest of the world. What I have learned over a decade later and counselling other bereaved parents is that there is no right or wrong way to walk on this path. The fact that you are dealing with life, that you have found this incredible positive outlet, is amazing to me and probably a host of other people, too. Your blog brought back so many memories for me – good and bad – and they are mine and likely would have sounded much like yours. For however different bereaved parents are or where they’ve come from or where they are headed, that pain is the same. I think you are doing what your heart needs you to be doing and if that changes next week, that is OK, too.

  6. So sorry to hear of your loss. Today is the the three month anniversary of my mom’s death, (she was 71 and I was her primary caregiver in the final years of her life) but I can’t even fathom and imagine how difficult it must be to bury a child. The best advice if any I could give is try to return to work(as your friends suggest) and your daily activities including surrounding yourself with good friends a strong moral support system. Work will be at least a welcome distraction and you will be able to draw strength from your friends making their strength your own.

    God bless you and you will be definately be in my thoughts tonight when I say a little prayer.

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