Sweet child of mine

Earlier today, my almost 3 year old, switched off the game he was playing on the iPad to help me load the washing machine.

I know.

I was shocked too, but he seems to be turning into the most considerate toddler I’ve ever met and I have NO idea where he gets it from.

Today, he has helped me with the washing, helped me make the beds, vacuumed the rug, cleaned a stain off the floorboards with baby wipes, helped to load the dishwasher and cleaned the coffee table. We had friends over for lunch and he picked up our rubbish and took it to the bin, without being asked!

It’s impossible to play Hungry Hippos with him. He takes balls from the winning Hippo and gives them to the other Hippos. He doesn’t like to see a Hippo go hungry.

There are never Hungry Hippos in our house

You’re probably thinking “So what Nicky? Sounds like you’ve got him well trained to me”.

Well, yes, but I worry about him.

How do I tell such a sweet little soul that his baby brother is never coming home?

We were looking at photos today. In particular, this one…

Me, Gabey & Elijah

Gabey pointed at my tummy and said “Mummys baby”, then at himself “Gabeys baby” and then “Daddys baby”. I told him he was right. Then I tried to explain to him gently that Elijah used to be in Mummys tummy, that he came out but then he died and couldn’t come home to live with us.

I’m not sure he understood.

How does a little boy understand such a thing when I don’t understand it myself. To be honest, he shouldn’t have to. He should be asking questions about Father Christmas and “when is it MY birthday mummy” not this.

Not this.

The one thing I do know, is that I don’t want this terrible, tragic event to ruin his childhood. How can it not though? This is a boy who brings Mummy tissues, when she’s sobbing her heart out, everytime a newborn baby appears on the TV. This is a boy living with a grieving Mother who finds it difficult to even breathe sometimes. This is a boy who has to spend the rest of his life without his little brother and my heart breaks for him.

He deserves so much better than that and I wish, with every breath in my body, that I could give it to him.

I’m so, so sorry my sweet, sweet child, that all of this is on your tiny, little shoulders. I read this quote today and it’s what I want you to know…

“Everyday may not be good but there’s something good in everyday and that something is you”.

Always you.

I had a dream…

When I was almost 10 years old, my best friend died from Leukemia.

My memories of her are hazy, as it happened 30 years ago, but I remember spending Saturday afternoons at the back of our local football club, drinking Coca-Cola from real glass bottles, trying to make our armpits “fart” with our hands and dancing on the stairs, pretending we were Legs & Co from Top of the Pops.

Legs & Co!

To be honest, I haven’t thought about her much over the years. I was young when she died. I remember the shock when Mum told me and feeling lonely on Saturday afternoons as I sat drinking Coca-Cola alone, but life carried on and the memories faded with time.

Then last night, I had a dream about her.

I was sat in a huge white and grey auditorium. A beautiful woman with short dark hair, walked up the stairs and sat down beside me. “Hi”, she said and I knew it was her. “Look behind you”. Behind me were rows and rows of bright, white lights.

They were mesmerising.

I just sat and stared for ages and then I told her “I don’t understand”. “This is what I do”, she said, “I show the little ones where to go” and as I stared at the beautiful lights, she said,

“I knew he was yours the moment I met him”.

You’re probably thinking “come off it Nicky, do you really think your old dead friend has found Elijah?”. I don’t know. Maybe. I don’t have the answers. My husband thinks it’s all “bollocks”. When I told him we were destined to be together because our palm lines cross at exactly the same places on our hands, he says “babe, it’s bollocks”. When I tell him a Tarot card reader once told me our first child would be a boy and be a musical genius, he says, “babe, listen to me, it’s bollocks”.

Maybe he is right and it is all bollocks. You will have to make your own minds up about that.

I do know that I rarely remember my dreams but this one has stuck with me today and has given me comfort. As I danced around the kitchen with my toddler, to the theme tune from Madagascar, I thought about those mesmerising lights and imagined my old best friend and my baby boy maybe doing the same.

Dance away my darlings!

The Four Friends

Sometimes, life takes us down unusual and unexpected paths.

Hopefully, that path is a long one and the people we meet along the way will travel it with us.

I found this photo today, taken almost 3 years ago.

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That led to this…

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3 years is a long time down the path of new motherhood and I couldn’t let the occasion go unmarked or unmentioned.

The paths we travel may now be different and not always paved with gold, but the journey we took made me the woman I am today…stronger, wiser and fatter (all those damn muffins) for knowing you. This poem is for you…

The Four Friends by A.A. Milne

Ernest was an elephant, a great big fellow,
Leonard was a lion with a six foot tail,
George was a goat, and his beard was yellow,
And James was a very small snail.

Leonard had a stall, and a great big strong one,
Earnest had a manger, and its walls were thick,
George found a pen, but I think it was the wrong one,
And James sat down on a brick

Earnest started trumpeting, and cracked his manger,
Leonard started roaring, and shivered his stall,
James gave a huffle of a snail in danger
And nobody heard him at all.

Earnest started trumpeting and raised such a rumpus,
Leonard started roaring and trying to kick,
James went on a journey with the goats new compass
And he reached the end of his brick.

Ernest was an elephant and very well intentioned,
Leonard was a lion with a brave new tail,
George was a goat, as I think I have mentioned,
but James was only a snail.

(p.s I’m pretty sure I’m the snail)

x

Wot is the world cumin 2?

For most of my life, I’ve been a closet nerd.

I might have appeared to most who don’t know me to be the heavy drinking, flirty, flighty, Essex tart-with-a-heart kind of girl, but secretly I care about really nerdy things. Things like the space elevator, World of Warcraft (I was a level 70 warlock you know) and Star Trek.

I care a LOT about Star Trek and Star Wars.

I was planning to go to a Halloween party at the weekend dressed as Darth Vader, because secretly I love him.

Dark & brooding…you know you love him

The other thing I secretly really care about is spelling. I have a thing about it. A BIG thing. Wot instead of what, makes me go slightly insane. I hate it more than I hate Romulans.

faces only a mother could love

So when we took Gabey to the Brighton Sea Life centre, my head nearly exploded when I saw this…

Japenese? What the…..

Apparently Giant Japenese Spider Crabs come from the Japenese Islands. Argh…

and it went on….

Have you spotted it?

and on…

I’m hyperventilating just reading this

I know. You are probably thinking “so what? Get a life Nicky”, which is exactly what Tim thought, as he told me to “stop taking bloody photos of signs and just watch the damn fish”.

I get it. I know it’s nerdy but it’s just so annoying. On a serious note, they have spent £3 million on refurbishment and they can’t spell Japanese properly?

WTF? Or should I say Wot the Fook? 🙂

Plus, these are EDUCATIONAL signs that children are reading…sigh. It’s becoming more and more common to see bad spelling everywhere. I see newspaper headlines written on big boards, outside shops, with spelling mistakes. Tim has to hold me back as I scream “Did you see that? Did you SEE that?” as he drives us quickly past, sighing with embarrassment.

Is it only me who cares? Will Gabey be writing me letters with “Wot U bin up to L8lee Mum?” written inside?

Jean-Luc gets it

Is this the future of our language? I hope not. I just wish people would check carefully before putting signs with spelling mistakes where I can see them! It’s not good for my heart! Despite the health implications, I’m not going to stop going to the Sea Life centre, because even though they can’t spell Japan, we get to do this…

I bet the Japenese would love this!

Happy Birthday?

I received a beautiful bunch of flowers from a friend today.

One of our builders said to me “you’ve got some lovely flowers. Is it your birthday?”
“Well yes” I said “but not yet. Next week”. “Happy Birthday” he said.

Happy Birthday.

Just two simple words and yet for me it’s not really going to be a “Happy Birthday” year.

To be honest, I’ve had a few weird birthdays in the past.

There was the year my hubby gave me an Action Man for my birthday because Action Man had a spy camera, which apparently is “cool”. Then there was the year he wanted to give me birthday tokens that I could redeem for sex at any time. I think one of the tokens actually said “this entitles the bearer of this token to a quickie” 🙂

I’ve had some GREAT birthdays. Like the year he took me to Paris as a surprise for my 30th.

This year? I’m not sure how to describe how I feel this year. I think it’s the year that time should forget but I never, ever can.

I had an idea of what I would be doing on my birthday this year.

If I close my eyes, I can actually see it.

Tim and Gabey come into the bedroom. They’ve made me birthday breakfast. Elijah is in a white sleepsuit and Tim is holding him in the crook of his arm. Gabey shoves a piece of toast in my face and shouts “Happy Birthday mummy” and blows me a kiss. He then tells me how he made me breakfast and a card. He says “Eli helped too Mummy”. The card is hilarious and wonderful. Its got Gabey scribble all over it and Tim has held a pencil in Elijahs hand and written “I love you Mummy. Eli xxx”. Tim smiles and says “he wrote that all by himself you know. He’s very clever for a 3 month old”.

I guess the truth is, now Elijah has gone, I never get to have the birthdays I imagined ever again. Although honestly, just between us, how many of us really do get the birthdays we want or imagine? My friend Debbs got a box full of her own computer from her hubby one year. I love you Debbs and that STILL makes me giggle. Best birthday present story EVER. I doubt anyone can beat that?

So this year, I’m going to share a birthday Bucks Fizz with a few of my dearest friends, let Rekha feed me cake & laugh when Gabey shoves birthday toast in my face. I might even buy Gabey his first ever Action Man to celebrate.

Well, he is “cool” after all.

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43

That’s the number of ladies who made me cry today.

Not just a few tears but the sliding down the wall sort of sobbing cry. In fact, I’m still sat on the floor, writing this now.

I just received a card in the post. Written inside are some beautiful words and an email address and a password. “Oh that’s interesting” I thought. I clicked the details into my computer and this is what I saw…

and there was a next page and a next….

All of those lines contain the names of people who have put money into an account in memory of Eljah. 43 names in total and I’ve never met 42 of them in person.

I am warmed by this incredible gesture made by an online group of wonderful mums.

We may live in a world where people sometimes fight and deliberately hurt others but we also live in a world where 42 people cared enough about someone they have never met, that they did something in memory of a tiny little boy who never got the chance to live in their world.

Thank you beautiful ladies. Your compassion has truly humbled me.

I may never stop crying.

You are awesome

Yes YOU!

Tonight, my blog has reached over 1,000 readers and we’re not even a week old yet!

I don’t know if 1,000 is normal or high for a blog like this but it sure feels good to know that I’m not alone. 1,000 views of our story. Elijahs story. Now that’s what I call remembering him.

Thank you xxx